How to Prevent Split Ends

Split ends happens because your hair has been abused. It gets pissed off and initiaties a self destruction process similar to a Seppuku; slicing itself in half and rupturing its innards. This will no doubt greatly displease the grower of the hair. It is thus avenged by its own heroic martyrdom.

Some hairs are well behaved, they endure rain and shine with their master without uttering a single complaint, while sitting perfectly pretty on their assigned head areas, reflecting the dewy afternoon sun, and making the hair grower look excessively attractive. Other hairs are venomous, vengeful creatures. They will not tolerate supermarket shampoo, plastic hair brushes, nor hairdryers. They insist on being primmed and prepped with surgical precision using state-of-the-art instrumentsestroying themselves (and image of hair bearer) if their wishes are not obeyed.

Those cursed with such naughty, rebellious hairs has to endure the woe of a monarch with an army of clinically insane troops. Unfortunately, the only choice (other than beheading the hairs for treason) which remains is to pamper and dote on these angry strands, keep them happy and nurture them until they are content enough to spare their master of the torturous punishment of split ends.

For those suffers of split ends who doesn’t want to spend their life savings on weekly salon treatments, some tips:

1. When a hair splits, it’s dead. Cut it off, or the split will extend onto the rest of the hair until the whole thing breaks off and you’re left with bald patches. This will render you ghastly to look at and you will be stoned in public, and only your fleas will mourn you.

2. Throw your old conditioner away. Replace it with a hair mask (or masque, to make it sound cooler). This is just an extra strength conditioner. Put the mask on the ends of your hair after dabbing them dry with a towel (wet hair dilutes the strenght of the mask). Then rinse thoroughly after you did whatever you do in the shower.

3. Never brush your hair when it’s wet. That kills the hairs, even the ones that didn’t want to commit suicide to begin with.

4. Rub serum to the ends of your hair before and after you blow dry. Buy a good one which seals split ends

5. Don’t blow dry if you can help it. I found that flinging your head backwards and forwards violently after washing (like that Saint Bernard from Beethoven) gets rid of alot of water and grooms the hair, giving it volume. Where the water ends up is a mystery to me, as I am usually too delirious afterwards to find out. Other than potential brain damage, it’s a pretty neat trick to dry hair.

6. Heat really softens and conditions the hair (warm heat, not fry pan heat). After you wash and dry your hair, sleeping on it has the effect of softening and activating the conditioner (sort of like sitting under tha steam alien helmet at the hair salon). Sleeping on a satin pillowcase also helps.

8. Don’t participate in games such as ” burn your hair with a candlestick” just because it’s fun to watch it cackle. The smell afterwards and the mass hair suicide is not worth it.

9. Make your favourite passtime “find a dry hair end and snip it off”. It will prevent split ends later.